Sunday #13: Heaven

When I was a teen, I attended Catholic Mass every Sunday without fail. I actually enjoyed it, but the main reason for that may surprise you. I went, not so much for the sacrament of it, but for the music. Back in the 70's the Catholic Church got its shit together enough to realize that if you wanted to get young people into church, you had to speak their language. And so they did. 

On Sundays there would be a "Guitar Mass" around 10 or 11 in the morning, with 1-3 musicians performing songs from Godspell, mostly. I did not know Godspell at the time, to me the songs were just church songs: Prepare Ye The Way Of The Lord, Day By Day, We Beseech Thee, you get the drift. They were songs full of hope and meaning and reverence and humility, and when I listened to them I felt closer to God, or at least closer to Heaven. 

Heaven was explained to me in simple terms back then--it was a place where you went after you died if you were good. "Good" generally meant that you did not break any of the Ten Commandments and you never said fuck, but other than those guidelines, there was no really clarification on what the actual limits of badness were. I mean, did you have to be perfect, or just good? And what was the number of transgressions that would take you out of consideration? Was it about the number, or the severity of them? Why did nobody answer these important questions, when our entire after life (and afterlife) depended on us complying? 

What I came to realize is that the Catholic Church never wanted its parishioners to feel secure in their Heavenly ascent, because that would lessen the extent to which one would attend church and contribute to the coffers. Guilt pays! Perhaps this is why the line between Heaven and no-Heaven was never completely specified. Keep 'em guessing, and the attendance and donations will continue.

Truth be told, I very much wanted to get into Heaven back then, because there was only one alternative if you didn't, and that was Hell. Well, there was also Purgatory, but like bisexuality at the time, nobody really understood that or believed that it existed. Thinking back on it now, I don't know what all the fuss was regarding Heaven, as it sounded boring as fuck. You sit around on clouds all day with not one goddamn thing to do. What is the appeal of that? Is that worth not masturbating for? Is that why I refrained from saying fuck as a child?

***

The other day I was leaving Trader Joe's after shopping when I ran into an older woman who was, like me, riding a bicycle. We chatted for a bit, and I learned that she has been riding bikes for years, and at her advanced age she regularly rode up Nichols Canyon Road--impressive if you know how this street climbs into the Hollywood hills. She told me that she had, of course, experienced some gnarly crashes on her bike--I mean, who hasn't? If you ride a bicycle in Los Angeles you have crashed once or twice. But then as she was talking about keeping safe, she said, "Well, God is in charge, so I trust in Him." 

Fuck, why did she have to ruin a perfectly pleasant conversation? 

I wanted so much to ask her why God protected her from crashes but not others, but to be honest with you I lost interest like a deflating balloon and politely wrapped up the chat. What got my goat is that she felt perfectly comfortable bringing up her faith in god, and why would she not? Faith in god is as accepted as heterosexuality and apple pie, but that does not make it right. Despite separation of church and state, politicians proudly declare, "God bless the United States of America!". By contrast, I notice that if I mention in conversation that god does not exist or that I do not believe in him/her/it, I have on more than one occasion been called offensive. You see, there is no room at the inn for disbelief. 

***

I struggle to understand why people hold onto the childish idea of a fatherly figure in the heavens who watches over us, and if we please him, we will one day sit at his right side (Who is on the left, I wonder? Oh yeah, the Holy Spirit. Oh brother!). While I certainly have faith in many things, like the thought that I will wake up tomorrow morning, I draw the line at an imaginary world where a life of sacrifice and humility is penultimately rewarded by a patriarchal figure who can never be pleased, or so it seems. 

Just what is Heaven then?

***

As a psychotherapist, I find myself assisting clients with finding relief from anxiety or depression. They say that anxiety is fear of the unknown future, while depression is numbness over the unchangeable past. Why is it that we spend so much time in places that we have so little control over? Well, one answer is that we are all trying to feel safe. Safe from the past, safe from the future, safe from death, safe from loss, safe. And this goal pulls us from the present moment and any pain it includes, which is a shame because the present is the only place where we can truly live, and the only place where we can make peace with our past and change our course into the unknown future. 

So I suggest to my clients that we work on mindfulness, which is the ability to pay attention in the moment without judgement. It is a task that we can accomplish in bits and pieces, which is just fine, as our brains are wired to go back and forth--the goal is to alter the balance to favor the present moment. 

What's so great about the present moment? I am glad you asked! That is where you can find heaven. Not after death, not in the clouds, but in the present moment. Rather than being a peaceful nirvana, heaven exists in the moments that we are paying messy attention to the world, external and internal. It is found in the gurgling spit-up of an infant we are cuddling, it is found in the shimmer of sunlight through drops of melting ice, it is found in the tear we wipe from our loved one's face, it is found in the first bite of a summer peach, it is found in the sorrow of loss, the joy of a birth, the anger of betrayal, the fright of a scare. Far from just being peaceful, true heaven exists at all volumes, because it is the state of paying attention, it is the feeling of being alive by living the life that shows up in the moment, whatever that may be. 

Mindfulness gets us there because it is the practice of focusing attention, and the reason that the present moment is vital is because that is the best place from which to make a choice. Choice is our greatest power, if you think about it. Choice gives us the opportunity to decide how we want to experience something, which is very different from having something happen to us. Choice is what helped Victor Frankl survive the concentration camps. Choice is what turns a rape victim into a rape survivor. Choice is what allows one to taste enlightenment while washing the dishes. 

Choosing to experience the moment can be heaven--this is why great sex is so appealing. It is hard to avoid the moment during orgasm or during the pleasurable build up, isn't it? If heaven is not an orgasm then I don't know what is! As a Catholic boy, masturbation was forbidden, but that was the only way to experience an orgasm outside of nocturnal emissions or waiting until marriage in adulthood. What the fuck! It is ridiculous that masturbation is considered a sin. Life is short. Life is painful. Why would anyone outlaw a way to experience pleasure that is free and harms nobody? 

The Catholics believe that if you suffer enough, you will get to Heaven. But life is painful enough as it is--do we really need to add more suffering? The Mormons believe that the goal is to get to Heaven so that you can be with your family for eternity, but why not just pay attention to your family every day while you are alive? I understand the appeal of these beliefs, but they make no sense to me as an adult because the best time and place to experience heaven is now and here. Why the fuck would we deny something until a time that there is no proof even exists? Why would we keep ourselves from paying attention to the moment in service to an unknown future? Those who are chasing Heaven are really chasing it away--slamming the door to awareness in the name of sacrifice and suffering. 

Fucking nonsense, if you ask me. And the root of so many of the problems we are experiencing in the world today. It's not lack of faith that ails us, it is lack of attention.

***

This morning I rode my bike into the Hollywood hills--Whitley Heights to be exact. It was quiet, as usual, in the way that Sunday mornings always are. I like riding the bike because I have to pay attention to what I am doing, unlike when I am driving a car and can shift into autopilot more or less. The increased attention on my bike rides allows me to take in everything I can take in, and as I do this, I feel what can only be described as peace. I know that on this day, this Sunday, on this planet, I am alive, riding in these hills, on this bicycle. And my awareness of that makes the moment precious, because once I am no longer alive this experience will be unavailable to me. There is heaven in the streets of Hollywood in the early morning hours, no death or suffering required. 

All I have to do is pay attention.